A journal entry

I ended up writing a bit tonight. And I wrote for about 40 minutes straight in my journal and I'm going to share that with you tonight. And you will see why.

For those who know me well you'll see a side of me which you haven't before. And for those who don't know me, you will a little better after this.

Sit tight and enjoy the ride:

27/03/13 - 11:11pm

I often wonder what it'd be like to live the damaged life of a drug users, or sever alcoholic. I know that it would be entirely different to say the absolute least;
But for some strange reason, I find listening or reading their stories inspiring. Maybe it's the happy ending, or the sheer determination mingled with the life lessons that makes me stop and think, and appreciate how I haven't really had a screwed up life, like that.

Don't get me wrong I've had my share of dads and obsessions, to depressions and attempted suicides, only to be stopped or come to some sense or to read something that makes me think "What the fuck was I even thinking?!"

As you know I had a view not too long ago that was not only destructive to myself and my way of life, but to everyone around me, whether they knew it or not. And to EVERY single one of you I want to apologise for that. Accept the fact that I know what I've done and want to work on fixing alot of what I tore down in my attempts to "live".

I apologise to all of you in no particular order: mum (I love you, though I don't say it often), Rhiannon, Teagan, Ashleigh, Karl, Ben, Jordane (you know for what part), Jordan, Kate, Mikaela, Aiden, Chris, Joseph, Doug. To all I am sorry for who I was. Not who I am now.

I am currently in a state of mind where yes, I am tired, yes there are things wrong with my life currently, I'm not denying what is dead set true. I have things that anger me, that I want to say but aren't because its not the right time to say them. I am in my happy place. My place where I can wake up and smile because I have a job to go to, because I find inspiration around every corner that I can snap a photo of or jot down a note to reming myself to think like that more often. Where I can look at a picture of something gruesome captured in the most beautiful way to make it have a completely different meaning.

My state of mind has changed me as a person, completely. And that's more than evident, I believe, as the author, through my posts.

I don't force anyone to read my blog. It is a choice, and the readers, YOUR, choice only.
I may start to say some damaging things, because I need to get them out, because I've waited so long to say them because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

I might start saying SOME, and as always it will be your choice to read them or not.

My blog is not my journal. I will make that clear. Although I sometimes address my journal as if its a blog post.

My first post stated it was to shout things that needed to be heard at the world. This is what I'm doing. Although I'm documenting little snippets of my life along with it.

I've come far in my short life, and have felt things of all kinds and extremes that I never thought were humanely possible. I've got a long road ahead of me and things are bound to change.

Thinking about revamping my blog a little bit. Removing some older posts that I now consider too personal or too "oldminded" as I like to call it and filling it in with the creativity and positiveness of my new head, while still being able to say the nasty, the nice and document my inspirations, my addictions, and my path to tattoos.

*end journal entry*

-Red

Self help

I've declared it official. I have an issue with buying books.

But on the contrary, at least I read them all, and I gain knowledge and intellectual stamina hahahaha.

My latest reads have been from more of the Immortals After Dark series, to Kat Von D, to The Art of War by Sun Tzu, Don't sweat the small stuff and it's only small stuff by Richard Carlson PHD, to This is gonna hurt by Nikki Sixx.

Now. Before anyone questions why I bought a self help book I just want to state that its more of a study on stress and certain aspects of it while offering advice as to things we can do subconsciously to remain for the most part stress free, and it's truly interesting. I read a few tips every night and find myself doing them throughout the day. It's very positive and will continue to be something I learn off of on a daily basis. Just another way of improving my positive outlook.

I'm currently in the middle of This is Gonna Hurt by Nikki Sixx.
I recently discovered this was written at the same point in time that the tattoo chronicles by Kat Von D was written. And considering they were dating at the time it provides a little piece of the story from the other side. It's is also truly inspirational to hear some of the stuff that he went though throughout his life. And provides positive reinforcement as well as teaching me many life lessons I wouldn't have known before hand. I must get his first book as well. Great read.

Enjoying work, and constantly learning each day. Have taken yet another look at healthy self expression and dyed my hair bright redorange (that's for you ash hahahaha <3 ) it's still rather red but am going to have more orange added each time it gets dyed to allow it to go lighter without wreaking my hair or being too in your face.
I've given up caring what anyone thinks of me again after getting so many compliments on crazy clothes I've bought or my hair colour or my attitude towards life, it's only important that I Know who I am and those closest to me do as well.

Strictly keeping those who know me well to a minimal at the moment while I reestablish old friendships and work on being me and me only.

One thing that self help book taught me was to only be in my head. And not try and be in everyone else's as well. It's hard enough keeping your own thoughts in order and stress free without worrying about another persons head entirely.

That's all from me for now.

Stay positive

-Red

Obliviously Struggling - Not My Issue Anymore

So I just spent last night and today with my best mates having some fun times.
Those girls will never understand how much I really appreciate and enjoy the company and distraction.

Hopefully chilling tomorrow as well. Kind of dreading work again but what can you do.

So I vaguely started talking to Him again. Which I haven't done in years. All seems well there and were on talking terms. It good to reestablish an old friendship - and nothing more. Ever.

This may sound harsh but it's nice to see struggle sometimes in a relationship / person. Doesn't necessarily have to be a dating relationship, but it shows thought and growing. Except when that person is completely oblivious to why and its obvious to everyone else. Kind if makes me want to laugh. And other parts make me want to scream. But I'll stay away from that. I could rant about it but I won't.

Think an entry is to take up a few pages about that shortly.
I miss girl talk sometimes even though it makes me feel stupid.
It was briefly discussed last night but I wish I could scream it at the persons involved.

Anyways.
Chill out.

-Red

Kat Von D

Kat Von D. Katherine Von Drechenberg. Star of LA Ink and world renowned tattoo artist is by far my biggest inspiration when it comes to the art of tattoology.

I just finished her very first book High Voltage (yes I read them out of order) and holy smokes, was it amazing. Rather than being focused in the drama involved with the "Ink" shows like LA Ink and Miami Ink, it is focused on her life growing up and diverging herself within the tattoo world. It has detailed descriptions and directions as to how she did some of the most amazing tattoos I have ever seen in my life, and while I haven't been completely involved with the tattoo industry I have seen a few thousand in my life (not all in person), some of the ones that I've had the privilege of seeing and hearing the stories behind which I thought were absolutely incredible at the time are next to nothing compared to some of the ones she has done.

I really admire her passion for tattooing. Tattooing is her life, followed by art music and love. And I think that's an incredible and very honest way to live.
She's not perfect but who of us are?
She's had her fair share of drama, love, dreams in her life but she doesn't regret a thing. Hell she doesn't even cover up tattoos of past lovers names. Living life with no regrets. Something I try very hard to do. And don't always do successfully.

I'm looking forward to her new book "Go Big Or Go Home" her life motto.
I think it will be yet another inspirational read.

The only problem with reading these books is that I get the feeling that I don't belong in the tattoo world.
Don't get me wrong my life will be what I chose it to be.
But hearing the stories of KVD growing up and how she immersed herself into the tattoo world is so different to how I'm doing it.

Basically: she was always arty when she was younger. Tried tattooing once when she was 14 and fell in love with a guy who she ran half way across the USA with without telling her parents. She started off small and broke up with that guy and was left alone. Then married her next love as she started to move through getting bigger in the tattoo world. Then divorcing him as she became a star through Miami ink when she became depressed and an alcoholic.

I mean it just goes on and on.

Where as (wont go into it so fully) but pretty much just started drawing a few years ago, took it as a real passion about 3 years ago and have been drawing since, and decided 2 years ago that I wanted to be a tattoo artist based on my love for art and the style which I've drawn. I'm going into a course to learn and become qualified in the art, and I haven't even picked up a tattoo gun yet.

So different. And seeing some of her drawings / works makes me question if I'm skilled enough. I know it will all come with practise, and experience but I am kind of doubting myself and my skill.

Doing my best to ignore it and push on and try my hardest.

Things that should be known.

This is probably going to sound wrong until I explain myself and probably slightly hypocritical so brace yourself.

I don't understand why everyone has such a hard time seeing the positives in life. It shouldn't be all doom and gloom. As the saying goes "One Life, One Chance" and that's true. We really do only have one life (duh!) and one chance to make things the best we possibly can. I mean I know there are ups and Downs to life, but what is there other than life? Death? But what is death? Death, however some people would like to argue this but there's no way to prove it, is oblivion. Why go to nothing, when you can have everything just by living?

That's something to think about.

Many people commit suicide every year for a million different reasons. To each their own.
They may or may not think about the family they leave behind and all the people who would be affected by their death. Whether you actually know the person or not; it's pretty sad to hear on the news about someone killing themselves and the things left in a suicide letter.

I have been in that mind set before. And many people don't know this but I actually tried to on a few different occasions. It takes a lot to change your mind set and focus during those dark hours. And while it may be difficult it is possible. And it's not to say life isn't its usual crummy self after you pull yourself out of that situation.
But I think personally alot of people who put themselves in a suicidal situation spend too much time comparing their lives to other people's or comparing their lives to what it could be.

Which isn't the way anyone should live their life.

Your life is your own. And I don't know if anyone else does this and it may sound weird but unless you experience life through someone else's perspective (which is impossible) you only know for sure that you are the only soul in the universe. And as selfish as it sounds that's how you should treat your life.

Life isn't about doom and gloom "Oh my gosh I hate my life because I can't do this this and this" or "fuck this shit because my life isn't as good as I wanted it to be blah blah blah".

To those people: shut the fuck up, sure life is hard. And some times you'd rather not have to deal with any of it yeah. But what good is running away from it leaving the loose threads of your life to someone else to pick up? When it will probably make them hate it just as much as you did and be twice as upset because they've lost someone in all that?

What good is death over life?
Oblivion over everything?
No return over new adventures / challenges?

*end rant*

-Red

Even after all this time

So I got approved for my tattoo course at TAFE and I just have to set up a place to perform my practicals and then I can get started. Apparently the course takes 3 months but it can be done within a week. I will need the three months for travel and such but I will make it work. I'm so excited for it.

What I'm not excited about is a full 7 days of work starting today. That will be fun. Not. Considering I'm sick once again and my muscles are giving the out due to the amount of physical activity I've done in the past 4 days. Oh well. Just means ill get fit faster. :)

I did treat myself and my mum a little bit and did some shopping and bought myself some of the stuff I've been after for a little while. I can't wait til some of it gets here. Exciting times. Most of its clothes and such but I rarely go clothes shopping for stuff of that level of awesome.

My journal is going well. It is helping a bit. Whenever I have some kind of thought or a bit on my mind I just jott it down and I have a bit of a clearer conscious.

Photography is going well too. Just been playing around with it really for starts and haven't taken photos of anything Insanely amazing yet. Just bits and pieces at my house or at the local park. Looking to change that next weekend. Ill put some photos at the end of some of the stuff I got some pics of throughout my spare time this week.

Moving houses went really well (don't remember saying this and sorry if I'm repeating myself) aside from a few injuries. It already feels like home though I'm still unpacking my crap and looking at getting my couch put In as well. Ready for this new chapter to kick into gear that's for sure!!

Hope everyone is doing well.
Will just leave you all with a song.

"Can't count the years on one hand
That we've been together
I need the other one to hold you
Make you feel, make you feel
Better

It's not a walk in the park
To love each other
But when our fingers interlock
Can't deny, can't deny
You're with it

Cause after all this time
I'm still into you

I should be over all the butterflies
I'm into you
And baby even on our worst nights
I'm into you
Let em wonder how we got this far
Cause I don't really need to wonder at all
Yeah after all this time
I'm still into you

Recount the night that I first
Met your mother
And on the drive back to my house
I told ya that, told ya that
I loved ya
You felt the weight of the world
Fall off your shoulders
And to your favourite song
We sang along, to the start of
Forever

Cause after all this time
I'm still into you

I should be over all the butterflies
I'm into you
And baby even on our worst nights
I'm into you
Let em wonder how we got this far
Cause I don't really need to wonder at all
Yeah after all this time
I'm still into you

Something's just, something's just make sense
And one of those is you and I
Something's just, something's just make sense
Even after all this time

Cause after all this time
I'm still into you
Not a day goes by when I'm not
Into you

I should be over all the butterflies
I'm into you
And baby even on our worst nights
I'm into you
Let em wonder how we got this far
Cause I don't really need to wonder at all
Yeah after all this time
I'm still into you



-Red

Get it through you're head.

Why can't you get it through your head that I don't like you like that and that I don't want to be with you. You're like a freaking brother to me. Then you go and say I don't give a shit about you when I've been here for you for 8 years. Stopped you from committing suicide. Offered what support I could for alot of things you had going on at multiple times. And you go and say that.
Can't you just accept it and move on?

Realise that I don't want to be with anyone for quite a while because its either been thrown back in my face because of past incidents and the fact that I just want to be me for a while.

Don't get me wrong I know what I want. But that's not you and never will be.

I need to pursue my career. Be who I am. Live my own fucking life for a while.

That last thing I want is to be with a guy who I've known for 8 years who I've never returned that interest for, who lives 300ks away. I don't want to have to worry about travelling that far or visa Vera. I just don't want that. Been there before. Never a-fucking-gain.

So if you seem to think that you mean nothing to me after all we've been through You're dead wrong. You just don't mean that to me. And if you can't accept that well you're gonna have a hard time being my friend so you may as well fuck off. I've had enough. I dont want you. I've told you that.

We Are Broken

I am outside
And I've been waiting for the sun
With my wide eyes
I've seen worlds that don't belong
My mouth is dry
With words I cannot verbalise

Tell me why we live like this

So keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers
Tower over me

Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And all the promise we adored
So give us life again
Cause we just want to be whole

Lock the doors
Cause I'd like to capture this voice
It came to me tonight
So everyone will have a choice
And under red lights
Ill show myself it wasn't forged

We're at war
We live like this

So keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers
Tower over me

Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And all the promise we adored
And give us life again
Cause we just want to be whole

Tower over me
Tower over me
And I'll take the truth at any cost

Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And all the promise we adored
And give us life again
Cause we just want to be whole

Forgetfulness hahaha

So I got my camera today. Because I got paid from all 3 sources at once. I'm so keen to get out there and start shooting but I didn't have any time today.

Went Into work an hour earlier and ended up staying an hour later too. But I didn't dread it. Which is good. It feels nice to finally be accepted for the most part into my workplace. I have more than 2 shifts this week which is also good. Worked today. Work tomorrow and work Saturday and Sunday. Least I have something to do all week.

So so keen to move. Like more than I ever thought possible. It's going to be awesome.

Tomorrow I work from 9:30 - 3 pm. It'll be my longest shift ever. I don't know how that will go considering how tired I am from today. But hopefully it will all be good. Gonna take some photos after work of this house and outside and stuff as I walk home. This house holds so many memories. And as happy as I am to see it go it's like I'm letting go of another part of my life. Which is good. I need this.

Although I still want some things to change as well in my favour, as everyone will always want, I am very at peace with myself and my circumstances and very proud of myself for handling things the way I have been.

I've been doing some more song writing again. Pretty happy with the results and its a great way of letting everything out.

I'm happy to see two of my friends happy at last. Or at least for the most part. I hope for them everything goes well.

There was something important I wanted to say but I'm at a loss to know what that was anymore...

Hope everyone has a good night.

-Red

We only, only, wake up when we sleep

There is only so much you can say in a blog post. And it's rather difficult to remember that this is a blog which people read. People who you know and don't know. It's hard to not go and spill all your deep dark secrets (not really hahahaha) to the world. When that's probably the worst thing you can do. I might have to invest in something I can put more personal things into which won't send my world In to anarchy. As if its not enough already hahahaha.

Ill defiantly look into that I think. Just for personal stuff. Promise not to go missing hahahaha. As much as I'm sure some readers would like that. :P

I've developed a list of some of my favourite lyrics and quotes which I intend to do a bunch of designs around. Since I've been running pretty dry on ideas lately. It is always easier to be given a theme to work around with a bit of an idea as to what elements need to go into it than come up with them alone I swear.

I chose about 30 songs and took lyrics and versus out of them and then looked at what I had and chose a few which I could work off of.
Naturally it won't happen right away as I have a few concepts to complete but they will defiantly get done. I have some great ideas for them.

My favourite one at the moment (probably because its so relevant) is

"We only wake up when we sleep"

Soooooo many ideas for that one!!

I've also decided to buy a professional standard digital camera when my grant comes through. I've already chosen one out and i believe it will really help capture some of the precious moments in life as well as amazing scenery and interesting things that I see on a day to day basis. I believe it will really help in coming up with certain concept designs for my art as well as just being something fun to play with.

Ash and I plan on going to the cemetery when I get it and having a play around with it out there. That will be fun. So looking forward to it.

-Red

Portfolio

It's all happening!

Hey guys. Sorry it's been a while. Went over my data cap on my phone. Luckily not by alot and paid it all off :)

So on Tuesday I got my glasses and I realise just how nerdy they make me look but being able to see so clearly is awesome. I never realised how imperfect my vision was.
Being able to see so clearly has made me realise alot of imperfections in my designs and works which I have started to go over and fix them up. Once I finish that I will continue work on the concept I mentioned in my last post.

I have started putting all my designs and sketches into the one sketch books which ill post pictures of later. The reason I'm doing this is because I've received a rather large grant from the government so I can apply for my course in tattooing. When that comes through I will be applying and submitting my portfolio to the TAFE which will then hook me up with a 6 month course on tattooing. Then I can at least have my certification while I practise it all and get better and find some place to work.

My grandma said to me the other day "I never thought my only granddaughter would grow up to want to be a tattoo artist" and I said "well granny, times are changing, we don't need anymore snobby lawyers, or bias journalists, we need people in the world who can help people express emotions etcetera in a permanent manner, as a way of getting a message across. No matter how inappropriate or politically incorrect, it is a clients way of venting and they aren't forcing it upon anyone else to understand the ink beneath their skin, only to show that they aren't afraid to scream whatever message that is at the world"

But yes. If someone had said to me 5 years ago "you're going to want to be a tattoo artist" I probably would have said "please I don't have the skill for that and there's no way that would happen"
Just goes to show how much I have changed as a person over the last few years.

I'm very excited to get the course underway and start learning the fundamentals to my dream job.

I am also moving houses very soon. Just a few days away really and on the same day I move is the day I shave my head for The Worlds Greatest Shave. Which is something I've been looking forward to doing for quite a while. Being able to raise money to help cancer research is such a great thing especially when over these past few years there have been so many breakthroughs. They actually developed a shot which can prevent certain types of cancer before they appear. Which is amazing. I can't wait to raise some money and help them out. No only for finding a cure but to help those people and families with cancer move forward and continue their battle.

I'm very excited to move houses as it will be a little bit of a fresh start. Not a whole lot but I'm loving any kind of change currently.

I will do a single post of just pictures of my portfolio shortly.

-Red

No so people person.

There are some people who I hardly know but I connect with on such a personal level that they come to me about their problems and situations that they need help with. And sometimes I know exactly what to say. Other times its complicated. Or there are times when I just want to smack them and say "look you know this is stupid. Stop saying this".
I don't know what it is about me that makes me like this with such a variety of people. Considering I'm not really a people person.

I'm working on it. I swear.

I met one of the new staff members at subway today and we had that connection straight away. He's a really nice guy and we talked about heaps of really touchy subjects considering we had nothing else to do because it was dead as a door nail today. It was great. I have not had so much easy conversation about touchy subjects in such a long time. I think I've made a new friend. There's always room for more of those.

I wish it would stop raining though. The. Town is cut off yet again. Woo. Fun fun. Least it won't be busy at work a while.

Currently I am working on a design based around a line of lyrics.

"There's a time and place to die but this ain't it"

Using Death as the symbol it's looking good so far. Heaps more detail to go yet. Already about 4 hours spent on it.

-Red