Perspective.

No one seems to understand me anymore. There's a very small list of people who somehow do even though I don't make sense half the time.

I have a very different perspective on life now compared to what I did just a few months back that either isn't noticed or is completely ignored.
I don't expect anyone to understand.

I will try to explain it my very best though.

I've started looking towards the positives in life. The things that make me smile or happy all round rather than focusing on the negatives all the time. Rather than thinking "fuck I've got like 6 more hours of work left then I can get out of this shithole" I think "great 6 more hours then I can go home and do this this and this and try to relax a little bit."

I love thinking like that even though there was a point in time where I wouldn't have even considered it.

When it comes to relationships I do the same and find that I don't need to be there all the time. (And I just want to state that the only reason I'm here currently because it was my weekend after a really shit few days and ill be leaving and you won't see me a while)
However nice it is to be with someone you only need to be with them in measured doses. It keeps everything more fun and exciting as well as not so in your face. You don't have enough time to become completely annoyed by their presence or have that feeling that's like "I need space".

Having found a job has helped me a lot. Dealing with arrogant people at least 5 times a day has made me more tolerant to those kinds of people. It also gives me something to do during the day so I'm not stuck on my ass worrying or over thinking or any of that bullshit I used to do.
Each day has a purpose now. Things to do. Places to go. People to see.

I'm learning to stop caring yet again about those people who have some sort of arrogance or hatred towards myself and the things I choose. And to live my own life the way I want to. After all it is my life and no one else should have such a great impact to make me not do what I want.

And that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to live my life the way I want to no matter what anyone thinks. If someone has a problem with the way I am they can learn to live with it or get the hell out of my life.

I may have changed my mind about things I've said in the past. Or hidden things even though they are obvious. The reason I didn't voice my changed mind was because I wasn't sure if I should have or not for other people's sakes. And the reason I hide little things which are obvious is to try and make things less uncomfortable for other people.

When I get home tomorrow I've got this great idea for a design which I'm going to start when I pick up some mech pencils. I'm going to draw an angel which is being cast out from heaven with its wings being torn off and it's arm decaying and stuff as if its being passed through heaven to hell. Much like the devil was. God the bible has some good stories in it. Like that and the four horsemen. That's an epic story.

Goodnight guys. Thanks for reading.

- Red

Enjoy the little things. :)

I consider myself a very lucky person. Not for any particular reason either. But for majority of them combined.

I mean I have amazing friends. Good family. And the opportunity to pursue my dream job.

While there may be rocky roads on the way to my dreams. There may be sweat, blood and tears. Anger and hatred. Love and deceit. But it makes some parts of life more memorable than others.

There is only one thing really bothering me currently.

You know who you are. And I know that you will read this at some stage. You said you wanted to be friends and not hate me like you do R. Or whatever the fuck. And I've tried. I've almost given up. You were my best friend. You are - or rather were - one of the only people I trusted. I didn't want to lose that. And it seems I have. You say you still need time to get over this but you can't stop thinking about another girl. Logic mate. Go forth have fun. But this ended at your hand a while ago. I've moved on. You taught me alot ill never forget. We had some amazing times that ill never regret. Don't hate me so much please. Not when I've tried so hard to repair this because this is what you wanted. Us on friendship terms. Don't know if ill bother trying anymore. I want you to be happy. I want to see you happy because I care about you like any friend. FRIEND. Should.

Just a few more hours which I have to wait to feel okay again. Longest of my life I swear.
More job interviews tomorrow. Gotta wear a skirt again. Blah. So not my forte currently hahaha. :)

I hope you all have a good night and try not to let the little things drag you down. Smiling even when you don't want to is all it takes. :)

-Red

Live love. No regrets.

You shouldn't rush love in your life.
That is what I've learnt.

You shouldn't rush it with family or friends or other relationships. Love is something that develops over time. Until it reaches it's most potent and pure form to which we then realise and express from there.

I believe you can never completely un-love someone.
There will always be the good times and the bad times that you shared with them in the past. And unless something major happened to corrupt that completely you always hold some kind of love for them in your heart.

It may not be the same kind of love as in the beginning but love none the less.
You still care about their well being and what's going on with them and the Mundane stuff.

Love evolves and changes throughout time. Which is good because if it was the same all the time that would just get boring.

It is possible to love more than one person. That is obvious.

I have experienced love in my life. And it is an amazing feeling as well as ones biggest weakness. It is the ones you love most that can hurt you the most.

Although I may not love some people the same way as I did I will still always care for those people and wonder about them and love them on not-so-aquaintence terms if that makes any sense. And hopefully rebuild good solid friendships with a few if those people.

Never regret loving someone. After all there was a time in your life when they were everything you wanted and more.

Just remember the positives. :)

"We'll how was I to know that what we carved in stone would be so temporary?
Well how was I to know that my first crack at love would not be the last?
It won't be the last"

-Red

Well, well. What do we have here?

Sometimes there's just so much on your plate that you want to dish off on here but you know you really shouldn't. I have to keep telling myself that haha.

This week from this past weekend has been pretty full on so far. I have had a lot on my mind for some strange reason and I just don't have the energy to work or get out and do anything significant.
Maybe it's all the late nights catching up with me yet again. At least I don't have to work until the weekend. Which will be interesting. Least it's better rates which means I can put my money towards something I need.

Which I found out what that was today.

I had appointment at the optometrist and after lengthy discussions with him about my eyes and various standard testing he came to the conclusion I should get glasses for "part time". Part time being reading, computer, drawing, TV, work. Pretty much what I do 97% of the time. I told him this and he was like well in that case just wear them all the time. Haha. He was really nice about it as I explained the conundrum even to him which is know. As my left eye. He said it all looks fine and he doesn't know what's causing the very very slight but annoying delay in the movement of my eye. Possibly strain.
I didn't think I looked at stuff that hard haha.

So that will take a large chunk out of my pay check this week. I don't know how it will look. According to mother I suite glasses but I'm not sure how the look will go with my septum piercing. Too hipster-ish probably hahaha. Oh well. Shit happens right?

As you all know a while ago a good friend of mine bought me The Tattoo Chronicles by Kat Von D and something I failed to mention after I finished it was the fact that I had finished it.
Kat Von D is a truly inspiring Individual and getting that insight into not only get professional life as a world renowned tattoo artist but also her personal life at the time is truly something else. There's alot of heart break and alot of heart warming events throughout it and she meets some truly amazing people. I advise if you have not read it it is defiantly worth a read. 9/10 rating honestly.

Apart from a few little hiccoughs in my mood I have felt really good lately. Been helping some of my own friends out with their issues and had a nice little conversation about that the other night. I'm quite proud of myself. I know how far I've come and I know there's such a long way to go but I've never been more positive about my life.

After I pay off my glasses next week or so I will be paying for my tattoo course hopefully. I told some friends about that and their reactions were "hell yeah I want to be the guinea pig!"

Best. Friends. Ever.

<3

But no I would never because I will probably suck for ages hahaha.
There are some things in life where you have to run before you can walk. Like my job for instance.
But with something as intricate and permanent as a tattoo you should always tip toe before you walk.

Same as making the decision on what tatt you want as well. It's nothing to take lightly. :)

- Red

Skulls. Skulls and oh wait. Graphite pencil!

So Monday and Tuesday night this week I have been drawing hectically and experimenting with graphite pencil again which is something I hadn't done for quite a long time.

I started with a simple picture of a skull on Monday and did 2 line sketches of the skull. Getting the main details down. I set one aside and started my work on the sharpie version considering I believe I can draw better with sharpies. I gave it a classical tattoo design feel. By thickening the edges and using a fine tip sharpie for the small amount of shading I did, it brought out the edges and gave it the classical feel I was looking for.

I sent out a few text messages of that skull to Mr Jordane and continued doing something which I don't seem to do often enough and that is script. Using a bunch of scripts from a website as reference. i adjusted and readjusted the script until I came up with the perfect style. And also sent that through to Jordane.

He sent back an idea which I did not expect at all. He said maybe if I added more shading to the skull and wrapped the text around it. Giving it the theme of the text "we are of dust and shadows" (is a quote from Cassandra Claire's The Mortal Instrument series.) I decided to give it a shot. And I am ridiculously proud of the concept design that I came up with from it.

I started the second skull on Tuesday night and I used a graphite pencil for the first time in 4 months. I totally forgot about all the amazing effects you can get using graphite.
I gave the edges a slightly thicker and darker look and used a sharper more defined pointed pencil to highlight details and bring forth details within the skull. I also marked the anchor points for the dents and curves of the skull and used pencil rubbings to get the dusty/shadowy look i was after. Shading has never looked better in my opinion.

I then redid the script in banners on a separate sheet of paper and got the idea to have one banner wrapping around the top of the skull and have the other below and fading behind the jaw.
I then used blue tac to place the banners where I wanted on the original drawing of the skull and it is pinned on my wall next to a sheet of paper outlining what needs to be done to improve the concept.

I've really wanted to get that quote as a tattoo since I read it. It's such a true quote and it makes you think about life and death.

All I need to do now is get my hands on some tracing paper and a proper light box to complete the tattoo design.

Please note all the photos of the progress of these will be uploaded at the end if the post. Enjoy looking at my works and If there are any suggestions pop them in the comments below.

-Red

PS. Sorry for not posting this earlier. It seems to have not worked when I originally posted it.

What the hell.

Ok this is probably going to be a bit of a rant but I'm pretty fucking angry / upset at the moment.

First of all you break up with me and I do my best to accept that. I happen to get close to a friend who is also a very close friend of yours because he started talking to me and helping me through the whole damned thing. He saw me for what I was then and he still cared. He helped me change. He helped me through everything.
Not even a week later we started acting like good friends again. And for me it wasn't an act at all. I was purely enjoying your company as a friend and you said you were enjoying it as well. That I had been a good friend to you for those past couple of days.
I'm finally getting over you thanks to the help of our friend and a few friends of my own as some self sought encouragement and inspiration. But I have continued to be the same friend that I was for those past days and now you're complaining when we get to hang out as friends, have a few drinks with our mates. All because I'm going to be there. Or rather was going to be there.

You seem to think I sleep with the first guy I lay my eyes on even though you of all people should know me well enough to know that I'm not a slut.

I don't want to hate you at all. I'm just trying to be the good friend that I was to you before. And you're just pushing me away like you said you never would one way or another. I let go. You let go. Why are you angry at me now? When I've done exactly what you wanted? I changed. I let go. I stopped whatever it was I was doing and realised everything which is as clear as day to me now.
Sure I know we need space, and we do. It's for the best. But I don't understand how I haven't given you space.

You're still one of my closest friends as I really hope you will always be. But it's infuriating when I try and do everything and most of it successfully that you still find some problem with me.

Let go. I did. For you.

-red

Ps. There will be a normal less ranty post later today ;) sorry to all those who this does not concern.

Live Life As It Comes

So I've just spent the weekend with my best friends. All of them. Jordane, Chapman, Ben, Rhiannon, Ashleigh and I have never felt more like myself. Normal (which isn't so normal) is good.

I drank too much on Friday night and hardly remember most of it but I remember being happy and having fun, however bad the hangover was. Never drunk that much in my life and I don't plan on doing it for a while. Ill defiantly be steering clear of OJ for a while.

I spent most of Friday, Saturday, Sunday and today with Jordane. He is one hell of a friend. And it was nice to be able to have a friend so close like that once again. He surprised me with a book on Friday. I'd be ashamed if you all didn't know it (jokes) - it is called The Tattoo Chronicles written and mine is extra special because it is also autographed by the ever lovely Kat Von D.

Now I've only just started reading it but there is so much emotion on the thick pages filled with small print. Emotion, honesty, and beauty. In the 56 pages I have so far read she has talked about love, life, death, music and tattoos. I feel better about myself knowing that someone as beautiful, talented and famous as her also experiences the mundane emotions that I face on a day to day basis. She has tattooed idols of mine such as M. Shadows (lead singer of Avenged Sevenfold), Nikki Sixx, as well as Mike Portnoy of dream theatre. Hell I'm not even halfway through and it is great.

She is defiantly a huge idol of mine. So inspirational.

It is nice to have some alone time though I still wish I was with my friends. I have a chance to think about some things as well as read and do all those little things I never seem to have enough time or inspiration to do. Am not looking forward to being alone again tonight. It was nice having a bestie by my side while I screamed through my dreams - who were there to hold me as I suffered my recurring nightmares.
That will be interesting.

I'm finally letting go. As much as my heart says no I can feel the change. It's for the best.

"It takes all my strength not to dig you up from the ground in which you lay. The biggest part of me; you were the greatest thing and now you're just a memory to let go of."

-Red

Jobs. Piercings. Tattoos. Friends.

Hey guys.

Sorry I haven't posted much. I've had 3 4 hour shifts at subway and by the sounds of it I have a job. Finally!!! And I'm glad it's at a place where it's clean and non greasy and yucky food. I have a great boss and fellow staff mates and I enjoy serving customers.
Being able to talk to a customer and serve them without Nerves has given me a new found confidence, as well as lovely customers constantly complimenting me. It seems to finally be sinking into me and I don't feel uncomfortable in my own skin anymore.

In other news today I got my septum pierced. Which was something I was going to hold off getting because it was "un-attractive" but now that I have no one really to impress I did it. It's not like its irreversible so if something changes in the future I can always take it out :) aside from the nerves I had waiting to get it it wasn't as bad as I expected. I had a really good piercer and the worst part was when she used the clamps to get the position. And that probably hurt the most too. The needle going through is the strangest feeling I've ever experienced. You can literally feel it under your skin. However all the pain was worth it in the end. I love it. Even if I don't keep it forever :).

I visited Dark Lotus today. It is a tattoo parlour in Caboolture for those who don't know. I met the tattoo artist who did my mums most recent tattoos and he is awesome. Covered head to toe in tattoos and has an awesome personality. It's great to put a face to the art. I think I'm going to see if he'll do my first tatt.

Also. Thank you to Mr Benjamin I have had bullet for my valentine stuck in my head for a week now so I went out today and bought an album of theirs which I haven't stopped listening to. Unfortunately however their new album was released today and its nowhere near as good as their other stuff.

Tomorrow I am spending the day with my close friend Mr Jordane and I can't wait. It's nice to have another male friend who I get along easily with. He's given me alot of strength lately and I must thank him for that. :)

I will be posting more again soon when I'm not so busy all the time.

Take care

Red