Had more than enough.

These past few days have been quite... big for me. Emotionally.

When I'm alone I can't seem to stop my thoughts from drifting to bad places. But it has made me realise a few things:

1) No matter whose with me, I feel alone a lot of the time and there's only 1 or two people who actually make me feel like me, if that makes sense.
2) That a lot of what I do goes to waste. I've been learning how to cook and today of all days has been mostly about that. Wake up and get asked to make something I've been wanting to make for Him and I for about a week, so I spend all day trying to get it perfect. Exactly right. Which included going to the trouble of borrowing utensils off of my mother to make these things after failing 2 times. Only to get a text message of all things, of all damned things, saying that he's not going to be home for dinner. My cleaning seems to go to waste because everything just gets dirty again within 2 seconds. That all the effort I put into numerous things is just wasted and that everything I do or have done has just been feeble anyway.
3) That I really am not happy with how my life has turned out. And I know I'm hardly even into 'life' yet. But I'm sick of not being good enough to get a job, or good enough to be around, or anything like that.

 I probably just sound pathetic to most of you out there but I'm sorry. I need to get this out.

There's one line of lyrics that I just try to keep repeating over and over in my head by a band named Jimmy Eat World from their most famous song 'The Middle' that is my mantra at the moment:

                                    'It just takes some time, little girl your in the middle of the ride,
                                             Everything, everything, will be just fine, everything
                                                      everything, will be all right, all right?"

I can't keep putting in so much effort with so little return.

I know I'm a very lucky person. To have a house to live in, to have a man who loves me to have clothes on my back and food on the table. And compared to African children or whatever we all who are reading this are wealthy as hell and to them we are the luckiest people alive. But we also have our own issues that make us less fortunate than those people. Worse-off people seem to have a more optimistic look on life. They welcome anything that comes to them, food water etc. they live each day as it comes. Where as better-off people seem to be the ones with the mental health issues that make us all pessimistic, we each have our own kinds of struggles. We don't think that we're going to die today because we have doctors and ambulances etc.
I know this has changed direction all of a sudden but don't you see what I mean?
Call it 1st world problems or whatever you want to, but it is the truth.

If only I could have the optimism of those people, and could love life the way they do.

- Red