Get it through you're head.

Why can't you get it through your head that I don't like you like that and that I don't want to be with you. You're like a freaking brother to me. Then you go and say I don't give a shit about you when I've been here for you for 8 years. Stopped you from committing suicide. Offered what support I could for alot of things you had going on at multiple times. And you go and say that.
Can't you just accept it and move on?

Realise that I don't want to be with anyone for quite a while because its either been thrown back in my face because of past incidents and the fact that I just want to be me for a while.

Don't get me wrong I know what I want. But that's not you and never will be.

I need to pursue my career. Be who I am. Live my own fucking life for a while.

That last thing I want is to be with a guy who I've known for 8 years who I've never returned that interest for, who lives 300ks away. I don't want to have to worry about travelling that far or visa Vera. I just don't want that. Been there before. Never a-fucking-gain.

So if you seem to think that you mean nothing to me after all we've been through You're dead wrong. You just don't mean that to me. And if you can't accept that well you're gonna have a hard time being my friend so you may as well fuck off. I've had enough. I dont want you. I've told you that.

We Are Broken

I am outside
And I've been waiting for the sun
With my wide eyes
I've seen worlds that don't belong
My mouth is dry
With words I cannot verbalise

Tell me why we live like this

So keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers
Tower over me

Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And all the promise we adored
So give us life again
Cause we just want to be whole

Lock the doors
Cause I'd like to capture this voice
It came to me tonight
So everyone will have a choice
And under red lights
Ill show myself it wasn't forged

We're at war
We live like this

So keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers
Tower over me

Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And all the promise we adored
And give us life again
Cause we just want to be whole

Tower over me
Tower over me
And I'll take the truth at any cost

Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And all the promise we adored
And give us life again
Cause we just want to be whole

Forgetfulness hahaha

So I got my camera today. Because I got paid from all 3 sources at once. I'm so keen to get out there and start shooting but I didn't have any time today.

Went Into work an hour earlier and ended up staying an hour later too. But I didn't dread it. Which is good. It feels nice to finally be accepted for the most part into my workplace. I have more than 2 shifts this week which is also good. Worked today. Work tomorrow and work Saturday and Sunday. Least I have something to do all week.

So so keen to move. Like more than I ever thought possible. It's going to be awesome.

Tomorrow I work from 9:30 - 3 pm. It'll be my longest shift ever. I don't know how that will go considering how tired I am from today. But hopefully it will all be good. Gonna take some photos after work of this house and outside and stuff as I walk home. This house holds so many memories. And as happy as I am to see it go it's like I'm letting go of another part of my life. Which is good. I need this.

Although I still want some things to change as well in my favour, as everyone will always want, I am very at peace with myself and my circumstances and very proud of myself for handling things the way I have been.

I've been doing some more song writing again. Pretty happy with the results and its a great way of letting everything out.

I'm happy to see two of my friends happy at last. Or at least for the most part. I hope for them everything goes well.

There was something important I wanted to say but I'm at a loss to know what that was anymore...

Hope everyone has a good night.

-Red

We only, only, wake up when we sleep

There is only so much you can say in a blog post. And it's rather difficult to remember that this is a blog which people read. People who you know and don't know. It's hard to not go and spill all your deep dark secrets (not really hahahaha) to the world. When that's probably the worst thing you can do. I might have to invest in something I can put more personal things into which won't send my world In to anarchy. As if its not enough already hahahaha.

Ill defiantly look into that I think. Just for personal stuff. Promise not to go missing hahahaha. As much as I'm sure some readers would like that. :P

I've developed a list of some of my favourite lyrics and quotes which I intend to do a bunch of designs around. Since I've been running pretty dry on ideas lately. It is always easier to be given a theme to work around with a bit of an idea as to what elements need to go into it than come up with them alone I swear.

I chose about 30 songs and took lyrics and versus out of them and then looked at what I had and chose a few which I could work off of.
Naturally it won't happen right away as I have a few concepts to complete but they will defiantly get done. I have some great ideas for them.

My favourite one at the moment (probably because its so relevant) is

"We only wake up when we sleep"

Soooooo many ideas for that one!!

I've also decided to buy a professional standard digital camera when my grant comes through. I've already chosen one out and i believe it will really help capture some of the precious moments in life as well as amazing scenery and interesting things that I see on a day to day basis. I believe it will really help in coming up with certain concept designs for my art as well as just being something fun to play with.

Ash and I plan on going to the cemetery when I get it and having a play around with it out there. That will be fun. So looking forward to it.

-Red

Portfolio

It's all happening!

Hey guys. Sorry it's been a while. Went over my data cap on my phone. Luckily not by alot and paid it all off :)

So on Tuesday I got my glasses and I realise just how nerdy they make me look but being able to see so clearly is awesome. I never realised how imperfect my vision was.
Being able to see so clearly has made me realise alot of imperfections in my designs and works which I have started to go over and fix them up. Once I finish that I will continue work on the concept I mentioned in my last post.

I have started putting all my designs and sketches into the one sketch books which ill post pictures of later. The reason I'm doing this is because I've received a rather large grant from the government so I can apply for my course in tattooing. When that comes through I will be applying and submitting my portfolio to the TAFE which will then hook me up with a 6 month course on tattooing. Then I can at least have my certification while I practise it all and get better and find some place to work.

My grandma said to me the other day "I never thought my only granddaughter would grow up to want to be a tattoo artist" and I said "well granny, times are changing, we don't need anymore snobby lawyers, or bias journalists, we need people in the world who can help people express emotions etcetera in a permanent manner, as a way of getting a message across. No matter how inappropriate or politically incorrect, it is a clients way of venting and they aren't forcing it upon anyone else to understand the ink beneath their skin, only to show that they aren't afraid to scream whatever message that is at the world"

But yes. If someone had said to me 5 years ago "you're going to want to be a tattoo artist" I probably would have said "please I don't have the skill for that and there's no way that would happen"
Just goes to show how much I have changed as a person over the last few years.

I'm very excited to get the course underway and start learning the fundamentals to my dream job.

I am also moving houses very soon. Just a few days away really and on the same day I move is the day I shave my head for The Worlds Greatest Shave. Which is something I've been looking forward to doing for quite a while. Being able to raise money to help cancer research is such a great thing especially when over these past few years there have been so many breakthroughs. They actually developed a shot which can prevent certain types of cancer before they appear. Which is amazing. I can't wait to raise some money and help them out. No only for finding a cure but to help those people and families with cancer move forward and continue their battle.

I'm very excited to move houses as it will be a little bit of a fresh start. Not a whole lot but I'm loving any kind of change currently.

I will do a single post of just pictures of my portfolio shortly.

-Red

No so people person.

There are some people who I hardly know but I connect with on such a personal level that they come to me about their problems and situations that they need help with. And sometimes I know exactly what to say. Other times its complicated. Or there are times when I just want to smack them and say "look you know this is stupid. Stop saying this".
I don't know what it is about me that makes me like this with such a variety of people. Considering I'm not really a people person.

I'm working on it. I swear.

I met one of the new staff members at subway today and we had that connection straight away. He's a really nice guy and we talked about heaps of really touchy subjects considering we had nothing else to do because it was dead as a door nail today. It was great. I have not had so much easy conversation about touchy subjects in such a long time. I think I've made a new friend. There's always room for more of those.

I wish it would stop raining though. The. Town is cut off yet again. Woo. Fun fun. Least it won't be busy at work a while.

Currently I am working on a design based around a line of lyrics.

"There's a time and place to die but this ain't it"

Using Death as the symbol it's looking good so far. Heaps more detail to go yet. Already about 4 hours spent on it.

-Red