A Snapshot of The Past Week

Last day off for a while. Kicking back and enjoying it, got some slipknot playing and sitting in front of the flat screen playing crysis 3. Pretty damn good way of relaxing if I don't say so myself.

Saw a couple of old friends for the first time in a while yesterday and the day before. It was great! Chilling with Fraser after work tomorrow as well. Gonna be awesome.
Also possibly catching up with my ex on Saturday night after work and going bowling with him and some mates, I forgot how much of a friend he was, even if things in the past didn't go down very well at all...
We've all grown up now and we realised how stupid the whole thing was to begin with, it's nice to have the whole friendship aspect of it back and no more than that.

I don't know if I said this in a previous post, but I bought a self help book for something to read called "Don't sweat the small stuff... And it's only small stuff" by Richard Carlsson PHD.
Even if you're not depressed or whatever it's a clever little book to read. It focuses the mind on the little things in life, the little annoyances and turns them into ways to become more peaceful and stress free.
I recommend it to everyone!
I felt kind of silly buying it along with a book about the journey of Nikki Sixx (From Mötley Crüe) through his drugged and alcoholic life and how that's all changed him and what not. But it truly was one of my best purchases.

I've also been getting into some really weird fucked up shit lately. From creepy art (Michael Hussar - will post an example of his work down the bottom and a warning it is pretty graphic) to different heavier music, not bad at all, I actually really love it, Slipknot and Hatebreed etc, that I've actually gone and written out about 4 pages of ideas for tattoo concepts and ideas for my personal tattoo. While I want to get pretty much all of the ones I've mentioned and stuff it's hard to pick the best one to go first, and I realised "hey if I'm going to get them all eventually anyways it doesn't really matter which one I get first as long as I like the meaning of it" and the look of it. So I planned out and justified the reasons why I want to get curtain ones and I've come to my conclusion as it holds a very hidden message, which I am not going to share until after I get it done.

Been doing a fair amount of photography lately as well and ill post some of my pictures at the bottom. (Note the Michael hussar work will be first)

Hope everyone is chilling out as well and not stressing too much.

I just want to emphasise this one last thing: it is your personal choice to read my blog, if you read something you don't like its not my issue.

- Red

A journal entry

I ended up writing a bit tonight. And I wrote for about 40 minutes straight in my journal and I'm going to share that with you tonight. And you will see why.

For those who know me well you'll see a side of me which you haven't before. And for those who don't know me, you will a little better after this.

Sit tight and enjoy the ride:

27/03/13 - 11:11pm

I often wonder what it'd be like to live the damaged life of a drug users, or sever alcoholic. I know that it would be entirely different to say the absolute least;
But for some strange reason, I find listening or reading their stories inspiring. Maybe it's the happy ending, or the sheer determination mingled with the life lessons that makes me stop and think, and appreciate how I haven't really had a screwed up life, like that.

Don't get me wrong I've had my share of dads and obsessions, to depressions and attempted suicides, only to be stopped or come to some sense or to read something that makes me think "What the fuck was I even thinking?!"

As you know I had a view not too long ago that was not only destructive to myself and my way of life, but to everyone around me, whether they knew it or not. And to EVERY single one of you I want to apologise for that. Accept the fact that I know what I've done and want to work on fixing alot of what I tore down in my attempts to "live".

I apologise to all of you in no particular order: mum (I love you, though I don't say it often), Rhiannon, Teagan, Ashleigh, Karl, Ben, Jordane (you know for what part), Jordan, Kate, Mikaela, Aiden, Chris, Joseph, Doug. To all I am sorry for who I was. Not who I am now.

I am currently in a state of mind where yes, I am tired, yes there are things wrong with my life currently, I'm not denying what is dead set true. I have things that anger me, that I want to say but aren't because its not the right time to say them. I am in my happy place. My place where I can wake up and smile because I have a job to go to, because I find inspiration around every corner that I can snap a photo of or jot down a note to reming myself to think like that more often. Where I can look at a picture of something gruesome captured in the most beautiful way to make it have a completely different meaning.

My state of mind has changed me as a person, completely. And that's more than evident, I believe, as the author, through my posts.

I don't force anyone to read my blog. It is a choice, and the readers, YOUR, choice only.
I may start to say some damaging things, because I need to get them out, because I've waited so long to say them because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

I might start saying SOME, and as always it will be your choice to read them or not.

My blog is not my journal. I will make that clear. Although I sometimes address my journal as if its a blog post.

My first post stated it was to shout things that needed to be heard at the world. This is what I'm doing. Although I'm documenting little snippets of my life along with it.

I've come far in my short life, and have felt things of all kinds and extremes that I never thought were humanely possible. I've got a long road ahead of me and things are bound to change.

Thinking about revamping my blog a little bit. Removing some older posts that I now consider too personal or too "oldminded" as I like to call it and filling it in with the creativity and positiveness of my new head, while still being able to say the nasty, the nice and document my inspirations, my addictions, and my path to tattoos.

*end journal entry*

-Red

Self help

I've declared it official. I have an issue with buying books.

But on the contrary, at least I read them all, and I gain knowledge and intellectual stamina hahahaha.

My latest reads have been from more of the Immortals After Dark series, to Kat Von D, to The Art of War by Sun Tzu, Don't sweat the small stuff and it's only small stuff by Richard Carlson PHD, to This is gonna hurt by Nikki Sixx.

Now. Before anyone questions why I bought a self help book I just want to state that its more of a study on stress and certain aspects of it while offering advice as to things we can do subconsciously to remain for the most part stress free, and it's truly interesting. I read a few tips every night and find myself doing them throughout the day. It's very positive and will continue to be something I learn off of on a daily basis. Just another way of improving my positive outlook.

I'm currently in the middle of This is Gonna Hurt by Nikki Sixx.
I recently discovered this was written at the same point in time that the tattoo chronicles by Kat Von D was written. And considering they were dating at the time it provides a little piece of the story from the other side. It's is also truly inspirational to hear some of the stuff that he went though throughout his life. And provides positive reinforcement as well as teaching me many life lessons I wouldn't have known before hand. I must get his first book as well. Great read.

Enjoying work, and constantly learning each day. Have taken yet another look at healthy self expression and dyed my hair bright redorange (that's for you ash hahahaha <3 ) it's still rather red but am going to have more orange added each time it gets dyed to allow it to go lighter without wreaking my hair or being too in your face.
I've given up caring what anyone thinks of me again after getting so many compliments on crazy clothes I've bought or my hair colour or my attitude towards life, it's only important that I Know who I am and those closest to me do as well.

Strictly keeping those who know me well to a minimal at the moment while I reestablish old friendships and work on being me and me only.

One thing that self help book taught me was to only be in my head. And not try and be in everyone else's as well. It's hard enough keeping your own thoughts in order and stress free without worrying about another persons head entirely.

That's all from me for now.

Stay positive

-Red

Obliviously Struggling - Not My Issue Anymore

So I just spent last night and today with my best mates having some fun times.
Those girls will never understand how much I really appreciate and enjoy the company and distraction.

Hopefully chilling tomorrow as well. Kind of dreading work again but what can you do.

So I vaguely started talking to Him again. Which I haven't done in years. All seems well there and were on talking terms. It good to reestablish an old friendship - and nothing more. Ever.

This may sound harsh but it's nice to see struggle sometimes in a relationship / person. Doesn't necessarily have to be a dating relationship, but it shows thought and growing. Except when that person is completely oblivious to why and its obvious to everyone else. Kind if makes me want to laugh. And other parts make me want to scream. But I'll stay away from that. I could rant about it but I won't.

Think an entry is to take up a few pages about that shortly.
I miss girl talk sometimes even though it makes me feel stupid.
It was briefly discussed last night but I wish I could scream it at the persons involved.

Anyways.
Chill out.

-Red

Kat Von D

Kat Von D. Katherine Von Drechenberg. Star of LA Ink and world renowned tattoo artist is by far my biggest inspiration when it comes to the art of tattoology.

I just finished her very first book High Voltage (yes I read them out of order) and holy smokes, was it amazing. Rather than being focused in the drama involved with the "Ink" shows like LA Ink and Miami Ink, it is focused on her life growing up and diverging herself within the tattoo world. It has detailed descriptions and directions as to how she did some of the most amazing tattoos I have ever seen in my life, and while I haven't been completely involved with the tattoo industry I have seen a few thousand in my life (not all in person), some of the ones that I've had the privilege of seeing and hearing the stories behind which I thought were absolutely incredible at the time are next to nothing compared to some of the ones she has done.

I really admire her passion for tattooing. Tattooing is her life, followed by art music and love. And I think that's an incredible and very honest way to live.
She's not perfect but who of us are?
She's had her fair share of drama, love, dreams in her life but she doesn't regret a thing. Hell she doesn't even cover up tattoos of past lovers names. Living life with no regrets. Something I try very hard to do. And don't always do successfully.

I'm looking forward to her new book "Go Big Or Go Home" her life motto.
I think it will be yet another inspirational read.

The only problem with reading these books is that I get the feeling that I don't belong in the tattoo world.
Don't get me wrong my life will be what I chose it to be.
But hearing the stories of KVD growing up and how she immersed herself into the tattoo world is so different to how I'm doing it.

Basically: she was always arty when she was younger. Tried tattooing once when she was 14 and fell in love with a guy who she ran half way across the USA with without telling her parents. She started off small and broke up with that guy and was left alone. Then married her next love as she started to move through getting bigger in the tattoo world. Then divorcing him as she became a star through Miami ink when she became depressed and an alcoholic.

I mean it just goes on and on.

Where as (wont go into it so fully) but pretty much just started drawing a few years ago, took it as a real passion about 3 years ago and have been drawing since, and decided 2 years ago that I wanted to be a tattoo artist based on my love for art and the style which I've drawn. I'm going into a course to learn and become qualified in the art, and I haven't even picked up a tattoo gun yet.

So different. And seeing some of her drawings / works makes me question if I'm skilled enough. I know it will all come with practise, and experience but I am kind of doubting myself and my skill.

Doing my best to ignore it and push on and try my hardest.

Things that should be known.

This is probably going to sound wrong until I explain myself and probably slightly hypocritical so brace yourself.

I don't understand why everyone has such a hard time seeing the positives in life. It shouldn't be all doom and gloom. As the saying goes "One Life, One Chance" and that's true. We really do only have one life (duh!) and one chance to make things the best we possibly can. I mean I know there are ups and Downs to life, but what is there other than life? Death? But what is death? Death, however some people would like to argue this but there's no way to prove it, is oblivion. Why go to nothing, when you can have everything just by living?

That's something to think about.

Many people commit suicide every year for a million different reasons. To each their own.
They may or may not think about the family they leave behind and all the people who would be affected by their death. Whether you actually know the person or not; it's pretty sad to hear on the news about someone killing themselves and the things left in a suicide letter.

I have been in that mind set before. And many people don't know this but I actually tried to on a few different occasions. It takes a lot to change your mind set and focus during those dark hours. And while it may be difficult it is possible. And it's not to say life isn't its usual crummy self after you pull yourself out of that situation.
But I think personally alot of people who put themselves in a suicidal situation spend too much time comparing their lives to other people's or comparing their lives to what it could be.

Which isn't the way anyone should live their life.

Your life is your own. And I don't know if anyone else does this and it may sound weird but unless you experience life through someone else's perspective (which is impossible) you only know for sure that you are the only soul in the universe. And as selfish as it sounds that's how you should treat your life.

Life isn't about doom and gloom "Oh my gosh I hate my life because I can't do this this and this" or "fuck this shit because my life isn't as good as I wanted it to be blah blah blah".

To those people: shut the fuck up, sure life is hard. And some times you'd rather not have to deal with any of it yeah. But what good is running away from it leaving the loose threads of your life to someone else to pick up? When it will probably make them hate it just as much as you did and be twice as upset because they've lost someone in all that?

What good is death over life?
Oblivion over everything?
No return over new adventures / challenges?

*end rant*

-Red

Even after all this time

So I got approved for my tattoo course at TAFE and I just have to set up a place to perform my practicals and then I can get started. Apparently the course takes 3 months but it can be done within a week. I will need the three months for travel and such but I will make it work. I'm so excited for it.

What I'm not excited about is a full 7 days of work starting today. That will be fun. Not. Considering I'm sick once again and my muscles are giving the out due to the amount of physical activity I've done in the past 4 days. Oh well. Just means ill get fit faster. :)

I did treat myself and my mum a little bit and did some shopping and bought myself some of the stuff I've been after for a little while. I can't wait til some of it gets here. Exciting times. Most of its clothes and such but I rarely go clothes shopping for stuff of that level of awesome.

My journal is going well. It is helping a bit. Whenever I have some kind of thought or a bit on my mind I just jott it down and I have a bit of a clearer conscious.

Photography is going well too. Just been playing around with it really for starts and haven't taken photos of anything Insanely amazing yet. Just bits and pieces at my house or at the local park. Looking to change that next weekend. Ill put some photos at the end of some of the stuff I got some pics of throughout my spare time this week.

Moving houses went really well (don't remember saying this and sorry if I'm repeating myself) aside from a few injuries. It already feels like home though I'm still unpacking my crap and looking at getting my couch put In as well. Ready for this new chapter to kick into gear that's for sure!!

Hope everyone is doing well.
Will just leave you all with a song.

"Can't count the years on one hand
That we've been together
I need the other one to hold you
Make you feel, make you feel
Better

It's not a walk in the park
To love each other
But when our fingers interlock
Can't deny, can't deny
You're with it

Cause after all this time
I'm still into you

I should be over all the butterflies
I'm into you
And baby even on our worst nights
I'm into you
Let em wonder how we got this far
Cause I don't really need to wonder at all
Yeah after all this time
I'm still into you

Recount the night that I first
Met your mother
And on the drive back to my house
I told ya that, told ya that
I loved ya
You felt the weight of the world
Fall off your shoulders
And to your favourite song
We sang along, to the start of
Forever

Cause after all this time
I'm still into you

I should be over all the butterflies
I'm into you
And baby even on our worst nights
I'm into you
Let em wonder how we got this far
Cause I don't really need to wonder at all
Yeah after all this time
I'm still into you

Something's just, something's just make sense
And one of those is you and I
Something's just, something's just make sense
Even after all this time

Cause after all this time
I'm still into you
Not a day goes by when I'm not
Into you

I should be over all the butterflies
I'm into you
And baby even on our worst nights
I'm into you
Let em wonder how we got this far
Cause I don't really need to wonder at all
Yeah after all this time
I'm still into you



-Red

Get it through you're head.

Why can't you get it through your head that I don't like you like that and that I don't want to be with you. You're like a freaking brother to me. Then you go and say I don't give a shit about you when I've been here for you for 8 years. Stopped you from committing suicide. Offered what support I could for alot of things you had going on at multiple times. And you go and say that.
Can't you just accept it and move on?

Realise that I don't want to be with anyone for quite a while because its either been thrown back in my face because of past incidents and the fact that I just want to be me for a while.

Don't get me wrong I know what I want. But that's not you and never will be.

I need to pursue my career. Be who I am. Live my own fucking life for a while.

That last thing I want is to be with a guy who I've known for 8 years who I've never returned that interest for, who lives 300ks away. I don't want to have to worry about travelling that far or visa Vera. I just don't want that. Been there before. Never a-fucking-gain.

So if you seem to think that you mean nothing to me after all we've been through You're dead wrong. You just don't mean that to me. And if you can't accept that well you're gonna have a hard time being my friend so you may as well fuck off. I've had enough. I dont want you. I've told you that.

We Are Broken

I am outside
And I've been waiting for the sun
With my wide eyes
I've seen worlds that don't belong
My mouth is dry
With words I cannot verbalise

Tell me why we live like this

So keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers
Tower over me

Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And all the promise we adored
So give us life again
Cause we just want to be whole

Lock the doors
Cause I'd like to capture this voice
It came to me tonight
So everyone will have a choice
And under red lights
Ill show myself it wasn't forged

We're at war
We live like this

So keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers
Tower over me

Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And all the promise we adored
And give us life again
Cause we just want to be whole

Tower over me
Tower over me
And I'll take the truth at any cost

Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And all the promise we adored
And give us life again
Cause we just want to be whole

Forgetfulness hahaha

So I got my camera today. Because I got paid from all 3 sources at once. I'm so keen to get out there and start shooting but I didn't have any time today.

Went Into work an hour earlier and ended up staying an hour later too. But I didn't dread it. Which is good. It feels nice to finally be accepted for the most part into my workplace. I have more than 2 shifts this week which is also good. Worked today. Work tomorrow and work Saturday and Sunday. Least I have something to do all week.

So so keen to move. Like more than I ever thought possible. It's going to be awesome.

Tomorrow I work from 9:30 - 3 pm. It'll be my longest shift ever. I don't know how that will go considering how tired I am from today. But hopefully it will all be good. Gonna take some photos after work of this house and outside and stuff as I walk home. This house holds so many memories. And as happy as I am to see it go it's like I'm letting go of another part of my life. Which is good. I need this.

Although I still want some things to change as well in my favour, as everyone will always want, I am very at peace with myself and my circumstances and very proud of myself for handling things the way I have been.

I've been doing some more song writing again. Pretty happy with the results and its a great way of letting everything out.

I'm happy to see two of my friends happy at last. Or at least for the most part. I hope for them everything goes well.

There was something important I wanted to say but I'm at a loss to know what that was anymore...

Hope everyone has a good night.

-Red

We only, only, wake up when we sleep

There is only so much you can say in a blog post. And it's rather difficult to remember that this is a blog which people read. People who you know and don't know. It's hard to not go and spill all your deep dark secrets (not really hahahaha) to the world. When that's probably the worst thing you can do. I might have to invest in something I can put more personal things into which won't send my world In to anarchy. As if its not enough already hahahaha.

Ill defiantly look into that I think. Just for personal stuff. Promise not to go missing hahahaha. As much as I'm sure some readers would like that. :P

I've developed a list of some of my favourite lyrics and quotes which I intend to do a bunch of designs around. Since I've been running pretty dry on ideas lately. It is always easier to be given a theme to work around with a bit of an idea as to what elements need to go into it than come up with them alone I swear.

I chose about 30 songs and took lyrics and versus out of them and then looked at what I had and chose a few which I could work off of.
Naturally it won't happen right away as I have a few concepts to complete but they will defiantly get done. I have some great ideas for them.

My favourite one at the moment (probably because its so relevant) is

"We only wake up when we sleep"

Soooooo many ideas for that one!!

I've also decided to buy a professional standard digital camera when my grant comes through. I've already chosen one out and i believe it will really help capture some of the precious moments in life as well as amazing scenery and interesting things that I see on a day to day basis. I believe it will really help in coming up with certain concept designs for my art as well as just being something fun to play with.

Ash and I plan on going to the cemetery when I get it and having a play around with it out there. That will be fun. So looking forward to it.

-Red

Portfolio

It's all happening!

Hey guys. Sorry it's been a while. Went over my data cap on my phone. Luckily not by alot and paid it all off :)

So on Tuesday I got my glasses and I realise just how nerdy they make me look but being able to see so clearly is awesome. I never realised how imperfect my vision was.
Being able to see so clearly has made me realise alot of imperfections in my designs and works which I have started to go over and fix them up. Once I finish that I will continue work on the concept I mentioned in my last post.

I have started putting all my designs and sketches into the one sketch books which ill post pictures of later. The reason I'm doing this is because I've received a rather large grant from the government so I can apply for my course in tattooing. When that comes through I will be applying and submitting my portfolio to the TAFE which will then hook me up with a 6 month course on tattooing. Then I can at least have my certification while I practise it all and get better and find some place to work.

My grandma said to me the other day "I never thought my only granddaughter would grow up to want to be a tattoo artist" and I said "well granny, times are changing, we don't need anymore snobby lawyers, or bias journalists, we need people in the world who can help people express emotions etcetera in a permanent manner, as a way of getting a message across. No matter how inappropriate or politically incorrect, it is a clients way of venting and they aren't forcing it upon anyone else to understand the ink beneath their skin, only to show that they aren't afraid to scream whatever message that is at the world"

But yes. If someone had said to me 5 years ago "you're going to want to be a tattoo artist" I probably would have said "please I don't have the skill for that and there's no way that would happen"
Just goes to show how much I have changed as a person over the last few years.

I'm very excited to get the course underway and start learning the fundamentals to my dream job.

I am also moving houses very soon. Just a few days away really and on the same day I move is the day I shave my head for The Worlds Greatest Shave. Which is something I've been looking forward to doing for quite a while. Being able to raise money to help cancer research is such a great thing especially when over these past few years there have been so many breakthroughs. They actually developed a shot which can prevent certain types of cancer before they appear. Which is amazing. I can't wait to raise some money and help them out. No only for finding a cure but to help those people and families with cancer move forward and continue their battle.

I'm very excited to move houses as it will be a little bit of a fresh start. Not a whole lot but I'm loving any kind of change currently.

I will do a single post of just pictures of my portfolio shortly.

-Red

No so people person.

There are some people who I hardly know but I connect with on such a personal level that they come to me about their problems and situations that they need help with. And sometimes I know exactly what to say. Other times its complicated. Or there are times when I just want to smack them and say "look you know this is stupid. Stop saying this".
I don't know what it is about me that makes me like this with such a variety of people. Considering I'm not really a people person.

I'm working on it. I swear.

I met one of the new staff members at subway today and we had that connection straight away. He's a really nice guy and we talked about heaps of really touchy subjects considering we had nothing else to do because it was dead as a door nail today. It was great. I have not had so much easy conversation about touchy subjects in such a long time. I think I've made a new friend. There's always room for more of those.

I wish it would stop raining though. The. Town is cut off yet again. Woo. Fun fun. Least it won't be busy at work a while.

Currently I am working on a design based around a line of lyrics.

"There's a time and place to die but this ain't it"

Using Death as the symbol it's looking good so far. Heaps more detail to go yet. Already about 4 hours spent on it.

-Red

Perspective.

No one seems to understand me anymore. There's a very small list of people who somehow do even though I don't make sense half the time.

I have a very different perspective on life now compared to what I did just a few months back that either isn't noticed or is completely ignored.
I don't expect anyone to understand.

I will try to explain it my very best though.

I've started looking towards the positives in life. The things that make me smile or happy all round rather than focusing on the negatives all the time. Rather than thinking "fuck I've got like 6 more hours of work left then I can get out of this shithole" I think "great 6 more hours then I can go home and do this this and this and try to relax a little bit."

I love thinking like that even though there was a point in time where I wouldn't have even considered it.

When it comes to relationships I do the same and find that I don't need to be there all the time. (And I just want to state that the only reason I'm here currently because it was my weekend after a really shit few days and ill be leaving and you won't see me a while)
However nice it is to be with someone you only need to be with them in measured doses. It keeps everything more fun and exciting as well as not so in your face. You don't have enough time to become completely annoyed by their presence or have that feeling that's like "I need space".

Having found a job has helped me a lot. Dealing with arrogant people at least 5 times a day has made me more tolerant to those kinds of people. It also gives me something to do during the day so I'm not stuck on my ass worrying or over thinking or any of that bullshit I used to do.
Each day has a purpose now. Things to do. Places to go. People to see.

I'm learning to stop caring yet again about those people who have some sort of arrogance or hatred towards myself and the things I choose. And to live my own life the way I want to. After all it is my life and no one else should have such a great impact to make me not do what I want.

And that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to live my life the way I want to no matter what anyone thinks. If someone has a problem with the way I am they can learn to live with it or get the hell out of my life.

I may have changed my mind about things I've said in the past. Or hidden things even though they are obvious. The reason I didn't voice my changed mind was because I wasn't sure if I should have or not for other people's sakes. And the reason I hide little things which are obvious is to try and make things less uncomfortable for other people.

When I get home tomorrow I've got this great idea for a design which I'm going to start when I pick up some mech pencils. I'm going to draw an angel which is being cast out from heaven with its wings being torn off and it's arm decaying and stuff as if its being passed through heaven to hell. Much like the devil was. God the bible has some good stories in it. Like that and the four horsemen. That's an epic story.

Goodnight guys. Thanks for reading.

- Red

Enjoy the little things. :)

I consider myself a very lucky person. Not for any particular reason either. But for majority of them combined.

I mean I have amazing friends. Good family. And the opportunity to pursue my dream job.

While there may be rocky roads on the way to my dreams. There may be sweat, blood and tears. Anger and hatred. Love and deceit. But it makes some parts of life more memorable than others.

There is only one thing really bothering me currently.

You know who you are. And I know that you will read this at some stage. You said you wanted to be friends and not hate me like you do R. Or whatever the fuck. And I've tried. I've almost given up. You were my best friend. You are - or rather were - one of the only people I trusted. I didn't want to lose that. And it seems I have. You say you still need time to get over this but you can't stop thinking about another girl. Logic mate. Go forth have fun. But this ended at your hand a while ago. I've moved on. You taught me alot ill never forget. We had some amazing times that ill never regret. Don't hate me so much please. Not when I've tried so hard to repair this because this is what you wanted. Us on friendship terms. Don't know if ill bother trying anymore. I want you to be happy. I want to see you happy because I care about you like any friend. FRIEND. Should.

Just a few more hours which I have to wait to feel okay again. Longest of my life I swear.
More job interviews tomorrow. Gotta wear a skirt again. Blah. So not my forte currently hahaha. :)

I hope you all have a good night and try not to let the little things drag you down. Smiling even when you don't want to is all it takes. :)

-Red

Live love. No regrets.

You shouldn't rush love in your life.
That is what I've learnt.

You shouldn't rush it with family or friends or other relationships. Love is something that develops over time. Until it reaches it's most potent and pure form to which we then realise and express from there.

I believe you can never completely un-love someone.
There will always be the good times and the bad times that you shared with them in the past. And unless something major happened to corrupt that completely you always hold some kind of love for them in your heart.

It may not be the same kind of love as in the beginning but love none the less.
You still care about their well being and what's going on with them and the Mundane stuff.

Love evolves and changes throughout time. Which is good because if it was the same all the time that would just get boring.

It is possible to love more than one person. That is obvious.

I have experienced love in my life. And it is an amazing feeling as well as ones biggest weakness. It is the ones you love most that can hurt you the most.

Although I may not love some people the same way as I did I will still always care for those people and wonder about them and love them on not-so-aquaintence terms if that makes any sense. And hopefully rebuild good solid friendships with a few if those people.

Never regret loving someone. After all there was a time in your life when they were everything you wanted and more.

Just remember the positives. :)

"We'll how was I to know that what we carved in stone would be so temporary?
Well how was I to know that my first crack at love would not be the last?
It won't be the last"

-Red

Well, well. What do we have here?

Sometimes there's just so much on your plate that you want to dish off on here but you know you really shouldn't. I have to keep telling myself that haha.

This week from this past weekend has been pretty full on so far. I have had a lot on my mind for some strange reason and I just don't have the energy to work or get out and do anything significant.
Maybe it's all the late nights catching up with me yet again. At least I don't have to work until the weekend. Which will be interesting. Least it's better rates which means I can put my money towards something I need.

Which I found out what that was today.

I had appointment at the optometrist and after lengthy discussions with him about my eyes and various standard testing he came to the conclusion I should get glasses for "part time". Part time being reading, computer, drawing, TV, work. Pretty much what I do 97% of the time. I told him this and he was like well in that case just wear them all the time. Haha. He was really nice about it as I explained the conundrum even to him which is know. As my left eye. He said it all looks fine and he doesn't know what's causing the very very slight but annoying delay in the movement of my eye. Possibly strain.
I didn't think I looked at stuff that hard haha.

So that will take a large chunk out of my pay check this week. I don't know how it will look. According to mother I suite glasses but I'm not sure how the look will go with my septum piercing. Too hipster-ish probably hahaha. Oh well. Shit happens right?

As you all know a while ago a good friend of mine bought me The Tattoo Chronicles by Kat Von D and something I failed to mention after I finished it was the fact that I had finished it.
Kat Von D is a truly inspiring Individual and getting that insight into not only get professional life as a world renowned tattoo artist but also her personal life at the time is truly something else. There's alot of heart break and alot of heart warming events throughout it and she meets some truly amazing people. I advise if you have not read it it is defiantly worth a read. 9/10 rating honestly.

Apart from a few little hiccoughs in my mood I have felt really good lately. Been helping some of my own friends out with their issues and had a nice little conversation about that the other night. I'm quite proud of myself. I know how far I've come and I know there's such a long way to go but I've never been more positive about my life.

After I pay off my glasses next week or so I will be paying for my tattoo course hopefully. I told some friends about that and their reactions were "hell yeah I want to be the guinea pig!"

Best. Friends. Ever.

<3

But no I would never because I will probably suck for ages hahaha.
There are some things in life where you have to run before you can walk. Like my job for instance.
But with something as intricate and permanent as a tattoo you should always tip toe before you walk.

Same as making the decision on what tatt you want as well. It's nothing to take lightly. :)

- Red

Skulls. Skulls and oh wait. Graphite pencil!

So Monday and Tuesday night this week I have been drawing hectically and experimenting with graphite pencil again which is something I hadn't done for quite a long time.

I started with a simple picture of a skull on Monday and did 2 line sketches of the skull. Getting the main details down. I set one aside and started my work on the sharpie version considering I believe I can draw better with sharpies. I gave it a classical tattoo design feel. By thickening the edges and using a fine tip sharpie for the small amount of shading I did, it brought out the edges and gave it the classical feel I was looking for.

I sent out a few text messages of that skull to Mr Jordane and continued doing something which I don't seem to do often enough and that is script. Using a bunch of scripts from a website as reference. i adjusted and readjusted the script until I came up with the perfect style. And also sent that through to Jordane.

He sent back an idea which I did not expect at all. He said maybe if I added more shading to the skull and wrapped the text around it. Giving it the theme of the text "we are of dust and shadows" (is a quote from Cassandra Claire's The Mortal Instrument series.) I decided to give it a shot. And I am ridiculously proud of the concept design that I came up with from it.

I started the second skull on Tuesday night and I used a graphite pencil for the first time in 4 months. I totally forgot about all the amazing effects you can get using graphite.
I gave the edges a slightly thicker and darker look and used a sharper more defined pointed pencil to highlight details and bring forth details within the skull. I also marked the anchor points for the dents and curves of the skull and used pencil rubbings to get the dusty/shadowy look i was after. Shading has never looked better in my opinion.

I then redid the script in banners on a separate sheet of paper and got the idea to have one banner wrapping around the top of the skull and have the other below and fading behind the jaw.
I then used blue tac to place the banners where I wanted on the original drawing of the skull and it is pinned on my wall next to a sheet of paper outlining what needs to be done to improve the concept.

I've really wanted to get that quote as a tattoo since I read it. It's such a true quote and it makes you think about life and death.

All I need to do now is get my hands on some tracing paper and a proper light box to complete the tattoo design.

Please note all the photos of the progress of these will be uploaded at the end if the post. Enjoy looking at my works and If there are any suggestions pop them in the comments below.

-Red

PS. Sorry for not posting this earlier. It seems to have not worked when I originally posted it.

What the hell.

Ok this is probably going to be a bit of a rant but I'm pretty fucking angry / upset at the moment.

First of all you break up with me and I do my best to accept that. I happen to get close to a friend who is also a very close friend of yours because he started talking to me and helping me through the whole damned thing. He saw me for what I was then and he still cared. He helped me change. He helped me through everything.
Not even a week later we started acting like good friends again. And for me it wasn't an act at all. I was purely enjoying your company as a friend and you said you were enjoying it as well. That I had been a good friend to you for those past couple of days.
I'm finally getting over you thanks to the help of our friend and a few friends of my own as some self sought encouragement and inspiration. But I have continued to be the same friend that I was for those past days and now you're complaining when we get to hang out as friends, have a few drinks with our mates. All because I'm going to be there. Or rather was going to be there.

You seem to think I sleep with the first guy I lay my eyes on even though you of all people should know me well enough to know that I'm not a slut.

I don't want to hate you at all. I'm just trying to be the good friend that I was to you before. And you're just pushing me away like you said you never would one way or another. I let go. You let go. Why are you angry at me now? When I've done exactly what you wanted? I changed. I let go. I stopped whatever it was I was doing and realised everything which is as clear as day to me now.
Sure I know we need space, and we do. It's for the best. But I don't understand how I haven't given you space.

You're still one of my closest friends as I really hope you will always be. But it's infuriating when I try and do everything and most of it successfully that you still find some problem with me.

Let go. I did. For you.

-red

Ps. There will be a normal less ranty post later today ;) sorry to all those who this does not concern.